The highs the lows, you try to have a positive attitude yet I wanna cry! My heart can’t seem to heal.
I think I’m not writing in my blog as much, purging & sharing the facts that cause this with others. It brings relief & comfort of not being alone in this world with this darn depression & pain! My God, please help bring my heart to peace.
Psalms 147:3 – He heals the brokenhearted; He binds up their wounds…
Have a good day my friends…
Well, I’d like to quote my brother who says: “You are the master of your own destiny”. I believe that. However my faith in God is how I try to direct my steps. So, this lovely crisp Wednesday morning I’m choosing to be happy & try my hardest not to let the blues get me down. I’m going to focus on creation & spend about an 1 or so with a good friend of mine. Then of course another doctors appointment. Sigh… But tomorrow I am so anxious to see how my MRI comes out. I’ll keep y’all posted. Meanwhile, I think I’m gonna put my fit bit watch on & dance for a minute. Have a wonderful Wednesday everyone.❤
I would like to get into part 2 of my story but & also in between interject some other aspects of joy.
I would like to tell you about some amazing young women who I grew up with. First we will start with Jackey. Were 5 years old when we met on the playground of our elementary school and we never looked back.
This wonderful person, Jackey was my saving grace. Her & her mother.👩👧 She has a younger brother & sister who I love but Jackey was my best friend. We used to say we were cousins, now that we are mature woman, we are sisters of the heart.❤
When we were in elementary school, Jackey was always reminding me to put my glasses on. I hated wearing glasses! But she was always telling me “Yvonne, you have to wear your glasses” I was like “nope!” So she would read the chalkboard for me. Lol. Also, math, my nightmare to this day, so foreign to me!!! I just don’t get it. Give me history, spelling, English, but I begged God, no math! But my Jack Jack was always there to help me.
We shaved our legs together for the first time, talked about first kisses, saw grease & Saturday Night Fever & danced together. Went clubbing. We share a gazillion memories!!!
My Jack Jack met my grandma/mom & was there while she was ill & dying of cancer. When she passed away, she was in the limousine when we went to the wake & burial site. She held my hand the whole time & cried with me. In 2004 when my “daddy Pete/step-grandfather” passed away of lung cancer, she took 2 days of work off because “her daddy” died in her heart. My daddy loved Jackey. When we were standing over the casket at his wake & everyone left, I had 2 other friends I grew up with that were there. They seemed uncomfortable seeing my daddy in the coffin, I don’t blame them at all, but Jackey was not scared, nervous or uncomfortable at all.
I stood there crying saying I can’t leave him, I can’t leave him alone! Even though I know he sleeping & will be resurrected to life with no sickness all reasoning fled out the door. The man that raised me until I was 14 was gone. The man who tucked me in & always acted like a grouch but was a cream puff softie inside was gone. Never was I to visit him & bring him his favorite lemon meringue pie. I was devastated. I kissed my daddy’s face & cried that I could not leave him in that room.
But my Jackey, she said “Evey! Do you have a picture of you in your wallet?” I said yes, she said get it! So I did, a pic of myself & my hubby. She got it, put it in his shirt pocket & said “there, your right there with him by his heart.” It was like a wave of peace & love came over me. My beliefs came flooding back to my mind & heart & I recalled the scripture in Revelation 21:3,4 – “With that I heard a loud voice from the throne say: “Look! The tent of God is with mankind, and he will reside with them, and they will be his people. And God himself will be with them. 4 And he will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away”. She then kissed my daddy & said “Goodbye Daddy Pete, I love you”. That was in June, 2004.
Today although we live very different lives & very far apart, the love & bond we share surpasses all differences we may have. We still laugh together like when we were little girls.
That is the story of my wonderful sister of my heart.
Well, after a really bad spell of depression & severe pain I am able to come back & get back to my writing.
I just had an Ablasion on my neck 3 weeks ago & another ablasion 1 week ago. For some reason the lower back is still hurting bad. But I know it takes up to 2-3 weeks to actually feel a difference.
I went to a new pain doctor since the one I go to does nothing with fibromyalgia or any other “Invisable Illnesses” except back issues in your spinal cord & cortisone in the knees for me. So I’ve been on the search & found a doctor I’m feeling hopeful about. But I got a shocker! He asked me “who told you that you have fibromyalgia?” I explained a neurologist in 2008. After reviewing my med list he said “I don’t think you have Fibromyalgia. 🤔😲🤯 “WHAT???????” Wow, I was blown away, if that’s the case why do I suffer from so many symptoms?? Don’t get me wrong, if I don’t have Fibromyalgia, great, what do I have & can you get me a life that is productive. When taking a shower does not result in a whole day of rest. So, he is going to MRI my neck & back today & we shall see. I should have told him to do my right knee too! But baby steps! I’m a hot mess so let’s do me piece by piece!! Lol.
I have to say there have been alot of overwhelming things going on In my life which made pain worse & thereby increasing my depression. But I’m trying with all my heart & learning heavily on my faith in God as that is a HUGE part of my life even before I got sick. But sometimes we pray & should leave things in Gods hands then we take it back. I’m re-learningvto let go my problems & let my God lead me & direct my steps. It’s the only true survival & best way of life following bible principles, for me.
I do not talk about religion a lot because my blog is about Invisable Illnesses. But it’s also about my personal life & journey. So you will sometimes see me bring out my belief in God & maybe a scripture.
So, I will end this with I’m at my primary care & then MRI & hope to have a great positive day that I don’t allow my pain to affect me too badly triggering me to spiral into a depression.
Thanks for stopping by & have a great day.
ou know, as far back as I can recall, I have had some type of sadness in me. I can remember being in elementary school & telling my friends at lunch I wanted to just sit on the bench as they played. Music has always touched me, so I recall singing songs in my head. When i think back on that time I never understood why I felt like that. But alot of my childhood before I was 14 is very blurred & I have a friend, my childhood bestie, we ate more like sisters of the heart, Jackey, I always go to her about memories. I know some things happened to me, but I can’t talk about that.
Anyway, from what I do recall I had a great childhood from birth to age 14. That is when the 1st biggest betrayal came. On my 14th birthday, the woman I knew as my mother passed away. That day I found out that my mother Isabel was in fact my Grandmother. My father Pete was my Step-Grandfather & my sister was my biological mother.
It was a lot to take in for me. I was a daddy’s girl, but I did love my momma. I feel to this day I never processed those feelings, what or how I should of felt or reacted hearing my biological mother was my sister.🤔
What happened after was crazy. There was the reading of the will, which my grandmother/momma left 90% to me. But not in any formal trust, just in care of my grandfather/daddy to give me at the time & age he saw fit. Long story short, he ripped me off in the end.
Anyway, days after it happened all my sisters & brothers as I knew them to be at the time, came to the house to take whatever my grandfather & the eldest sister put out for their choosing. Clothes, jewelry etc. My biological mother never came. She did not attend the funeral either. It was weird because her children, who I thought I was their aunt, were my brothers. So strange to me. But for some reason I pushed it aside in my mind & did what I was told. STAY AWAY FROM ALL YOUR BROTHERS & SISTERS!!!
I was told they wanted to kidnap me & to avoid any future contact. I was scared. The mother I knew just died & my whole family, my 2 “brothers” & 9 “sisters” with the exception of 1, the eldest, I was to run away if I saw them. I never knew what they were told but no one ever came, except my biological mother.
She used to take my step father to work & purposely drive by when I was leaving for school & thought it was hilarious how frightened I got when I ran in the house. She did the for I can’t recall how long.
Well, I was in the 8th grade, I was trying to move on in life, I even joined a gang. I became unruly because my “daddy” was constantly dating & leaving me in the house alone. Then he met someone when I was 16 & moved in with her & checked in on me 3x a week or so. I didn’t know until I reflect back that I was being abandoned at that point. I had food, clothes & money, but no family except the eldest sisters & my cousins who I have awesome memories with. But I was hurt when he told this woman I was not his biological daughter & he didn’t have to take care of me.
Unfortunately my daddy that I adored chose woman over me. So eventually I ran away & basically lived like a gypsy between friends homes & sleeping in a car sometimes.
Now, I tell this open dialog of my personal life to show people that PTSD & Depression can start young. But be suppressed for some of us. That’s what happened to me. I lived my life as a somewhat wild & rebellious young girl. One who loved to dance, and went to underage clubs as much as I could. I never really had a chance to consider my situation because of my consuming self absorbed self to do as I pleased because I had no one to direct me. So that is part 1 of my life where I believe & talking with my previous psychiatrist felt it began as well.
So as always I ask, try to be understanding. And most importantly, #bekind
Thanks for stopping by. Part 2 coming soon.