Let’s talk about supportive friends, Sisters of the Heart DEDICATED TO JACKEY AKA JACK JACK WITH ALL MY LOVE👭❤

I would like to get into part 2 of my story but & also in between interject some other aspects of joy.

I would like to tell you about some amazing young women who I grew up with. First we will start with Jackey. Were 5 years old when we met on the playground of our elementary school and we never looked back.

This wonderful person, Jackey was my saving grace. Her & her mother.👩‍👧 She has a younger brother & sister who I love but Jackey was my best friend. We used to say we were cousins, now that we are mature woman, we are sisters of the heart.❤

When we were in elementary school, Jackey was always reminding me to put my glasses on. I hated wearing glasses! But she was always telling me “Yvonne, you have to wear your glasses” I was like “nope!” So she would read the chalkboard for me. Lol. Also, math, my nightmare to this day, so foreign to me!!! I just don’t get it. Give me history, spelling, English, but I begged God, no math! But my Jack Jack was always there to help me.

We shaved our legs together for the first time, talked about first kisses, saw grease & Saturday Night Fever & danced together. Went clubbing. We share a gazillion memories!!!

My Jack Jack met my grandma/mom & was there while she was ill & dying of cancer. When she passed away, she was in the limousine when we went to the wake & burial site. She held my hand the whole time & cried with me. In 2004 when my “daddy Pete/step-grandfather” passed away of lung cancer, she took 2 days of work off because “her daddy” died in her heart. My daddy loved Jackey. When we were standing over the casket at his wake & everyone left, I had 2 other friends I grew up with that were there. They seemed uncomfortable seeing my daddy in the coffin, I don’t blame them at all, but Jackey was not scared, nervous or uncomfortable at all.

I stood there crying saying I can’t leave him, I can’t leave him alone! Even though I know he sleeping & will be resurrected to life with no sickness all reasoning fled out the door. The man that raised me until I was 14 was gone. The man who tucked me in & always acted like a grouch but was a cream puff softie inside was gone. Never was I to visit him & bring him his favorite lemon meringue pie. I was devastated. I kissed my daddy’s face & cried that I could not leave him in that room.

But my Jackey, she said “Evey! Do you have a picture of you in your wallet?” I said yes, she said get it! So I did, a pic of myself & my hubby. She got it, put it in his shirt pocket & said “there, your right there with him by his heart.” It was like a wave of peace & love came over me. My beliefs came flooding back to my mind & heart & I recalled the scripture in Revelation 21:3,4 – “With that I heard a loud voice from the throne say: “Look! The tent of God is with mankind, and he will reside with them, and they will be his people. And God himself will be with them. 4 And he will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away”. She then kissed my daddy & said “Goodbye Daddy Pete, I love you”. That was in June, 2004.

Today although we live very different lives & very far apart, the love & bond we share surpasses all differences we may have. We still laugh together like when we were little girls.

That is the story of my wonderful sister of my heart.

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I’m back!

Well, after a really bad spell of depression & severe pain I am able to come back & get back to my writing.

I just had an Ablasion on my neck 3 weeks ago & another ablasion 1 week ago. For some reason the lower back is still hurting bad. But I know it takes up to 2-3 weeks to actually feel a difference.

I went to a new pain doctor since the one I go to does nothing with fibromyalgia or any other “Invisable Illnesses” except back issues in your spinal cord & cortisone in the knees for me. So I’ve been on the search & found a doctor I’m feeling hopeful about. But I got a shocker! He asked me “who told you that you have fibromyalgia?” I explained a neurologist in 2008. After reviewing my med list he said “I don’t think you have Fibromyalgia. 🤔😲🤯 “WHAT???????” Wow, I was blown away, if that’s the case why do I suffer from so many symptoms?? Don’t get me wrong, if I don’t have Fibromyalgia, great, what do I have & can you get me a life that is productive. When taking a shower does not result in a whole day of rest. So, he is going to MRI my neck & back today & we shall see. I should have told him to do my right knee too! But baby steps! I’m a hot mess so let’s do me piece by piece!! Lol.

I have to say there have been alot of overwhelming things going on In my life which made pain worse & thereby increasing my depression. But I’m trying with all my heart & learning heavily on my faith in God as that is a HUGE part of my life even before I got sick. But sometimes we pray & should leave things in Gods hands then we take it back. I’m re-learningvto let go my problems & let my God lead me & direct my steps. It’s the only true survival & best way of life following bible principles, for me.

I do not talk about religion a lot because my blog is about Invisable Illnesses. But it’s also about my personal life & journey. So you will sometimes see me bring out my belief in God & maybe a scripture.

So, I will end this with I’m at my primary care & then MRI & hope to have a great positive day that I don’t allow my pain to affect me too badly triggering me to spiral into a depression.

Thanks for stopping by & have a great day.

PTSD/DEPRESSION-When did it start? BETRAYAL!

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ou know, as far back as I can recall, I have had some type of sadness in me. I can remember being in elementary school & telling my friends at lunch I wanted to just sit on the bench as they played. Music has always touched me, so I recall singing songs in my head. When i think back on that time I never understood why I felt like that. But alot of my childhood before I was 14 is very blurred & I have a friend, my childhood bestie, we ate more like sisters of the heart, Jackey, I always go to her about memories. I know some things happened to me, but I can’t talk about that.

Anyway, from what I do recall I had a great childhood from birth to age 14. That is when the 1st biggest betrayal came. On my 14th birthday, the woman I knew as my mother passed away. That day I found out that my mother Isabel was in fact my Grandmother. My father Pete was my Step-Grandfather & my sister was my biological mother.

It was a lot to take in for me. I was a daddy’s girl, but I did love my momma. I feel to this day I never processed those feelings, what or how I should of felt or reacted hearing my biological mother was my sister.🤔

What happened after was crazy. There was the reading of the will, which my grandmother/momma left 90% to me. But not in any formal trust, just in care of my grandfather/daddy to give me at the time & age he saw fit. Long story short, he ripped me off in the end.

Anyway, days after it happened all my sisters & brothers as I knew them to be at the time, came to the house to take whatever my grandfather & the eldest sister put out for their choosing. Clothes, jewelry etc. My biological mother never came. She did not attend the funeral either. It was weird because her children, who I thought I was their aunt, were my brothers. So strange to me. But for some reason I pushed it aside in my mind & did what I was told. STAY AWAY FROM ALL YOUR BROTHERS & SISTERS!!!

I was told they wanted to kidnap me & to avoid any future contact. I was scared. The mother I knew just died & my whole family, my 2 “brothers” & 9 “sisters” with the exception of 1, the eldest, I was to run away if I saw them. I never knew what they were told but no one ever came, except my biological mother.

She used to take my step father to work & purposely drive by when I was leaving for school & thought it was hilarious how frightened I got when I ran in the house. She did the for I can’t recall how long.

Well, I was in the 8th grade, I was trying to move on in life, I even joined a gang. I became unruly because my “daddy” was constantly dating & leaving me in the house alone. Then he met someone when I was 16 & moved in with her & checked in on me 3x a week or so. I didn’t know until I reflect back that I was being abandoned at that point. I had food, clothes & money, but no family except the eldest sisters & my cousins who I have awesome memories with. But I was hurt when he told this woman I was not his biological daughter & he didn’t have to take care of me.

Unfortunately my daddy that I adored chose woman over me. So eventually I ran away & basically lived like a gypsy between friends homes & sleeping in a car sometimes.

Now, I tell this open dialog of my personal life to show people that PTSD & Depression can start young. But be suppressed for some of us. That’s what happened to me. I lived my life as a somewhat wild & rebellious young girl. One who loved to dance, and went to underage clubs as much as I could. I never really had a chance to consider my situation because of my consuming self absorbed self to do as I pleased because I had no one to direct me. So that is part 1 of my life where I believe & talking with my previous psychiatrist felt it began as well.

So as always I ask, try to be understanding. And most importantly, #bekind

Thanks for stopping by. Part 2 coming soon.

Dr.s Visit

Well. I’m the doctors. It’s for a procedure called an Ablasion. Basically a severing of nerves in my neck. Now that I’m a bit more focused after a very bad week I can talk about why I even started this blog. To journal my life coupled with informing people what a chronic pain person with severe depression goes through. MANY DOCTORS APPOINTMENTS.Well, this procedure will be done in the back of my neck. It’s not the most comfortable of procedures but I have a great doctor. When I’m in the surgery room face down like a massage table he & the nurses are chatting & laughing & I join in sometimes. The lower back is a bit easier to handle & will be done in 2 weeks. The neck is more painful. But I have to say it does help my headaches, and my neck & shoulder pain.Life as a chronic pain patient is difficult. Your in pain, but I am the type that puts on a “mask” so to speak. I can’t stand to just waa waa waa, even though I have on this forum, but I hate it. I never want to be difficult. So I mask my feelings a lot.I want people to know that being this way is not a choice. It happens to the best of us. I want those who are trying to understand the life a a chronic pain person is so not easy. It is hard. It is exhausting. So please, don’t make us feel more guilty then we already do. It makes things worse.So today’s pain level is a solid 7 1/2. Yesterday was a solid 10, but thankfully we were at an assembly & stayed in a hotel so I got to soak in the hot tub.Some may think “how can you function at a level 10 pain???? I’ll tell you. Pain is a part of our life. If I didn’t have pain I would think I was dead! 😶. A little humor. That is my mask. A joke here or there.Anyway when you have so much fibromyalgia, nerve damage & degenerative disc pain it is just part of everyday life & before you know it, a pain level of 6 or 7 is extremely welcoming. 😖Some people think we are lazy. Some think because we are overweight we would not have the pain problems, just lose weight. Some just plain judge & think your faking. We are not. I am not.With respects to weight, why would any person who suffers from chronic pain want to be overweight, feel even more pain from excess weight? We/I wouldn’t. But the effects of not so much pain meds because I personally no longer take them because they don’t work anymore. But all the other prescription meds are all weight gainers. I have been monitoring my weight & calorie intake for over a month with my app on my phone & my Fitbit watch. It is not as high as one would think. Even if I do fat free protein shakes that are meal replacements, eating more veggies, smaller portions & the only one that was working is a diabetic diet I did a year ago. So I am going to go back on that this week.The point is, those of us that suffer from fibro, we can’t help medication side effects. And for the record, skinny people get fibro also.I hope this enlightens people a little to life with chronic pain.Thanks for visiting…

Taking it personally …

I haven’t been reading too much lately, my mood is bad…sad…frustrated. It is so irritating to feel the way people think of me. To be judged by people for being physically ill, mentally ill. For not doing things their way or for speaking my mind in a peaceable way. For being judged at first glance.

I wish I was more like my husband or 2 boys where it doesn’t matter, they move on. But when its family it’s harder you start to wonder “is there something wrong with me?” (Besides being mentally & physically ill?) Well my closest & nearest & dearest tell me it’s not me but sometimes it feels like so many are against me. So many are so hurtful. I’m so forgettable & I used to be easy to use. I used to be a bubbly bright & generally optimistic person. If it was for my faith in our grand creator, I think I would have been a very horrible person because i would not have a moral compass. But right now my emotional battle wounds are raw & some reopened some brand new.

I want people out there to realize that no one is better or above another human being. Regardless of money, no money, race, orientation or anything. You bleed red like i do. You have feelings like i do. But you can cause a person who is battling so much in life to lose their life because of your selfish desire to hurt or cause them more pain.

Enough becomes enough. When do you not take it personally when a person snubs you to your face? When do you not take it personally when a person so obviously treats you bad? When do you not take it personally when people are passive aggressive towards you? When they use you & throw you away? When I say!!!

I’m so sick of family & “friends” being insincere. I’m a human being. I’m not mean, I used to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Now I’m jaded. Now I can’t trust because of all the knives I’ve had to pull out of my back.

I know, I’m ranting, but it’s because I’m hurt, betrayed, devastated. If just one unsupportive hurtful judgemental person out there can read this & look differently or act differently or pull themselves out of a person’s life with honesty & integrity after reading the pain I have poured out here, it will be worth it to put my feelings out there. But if not, SHAME ON YOU!!! SHAME SHAME SHAME SHAME SHAME ON YOU. Treat people as you would like to be treated.

I respect a person more for being up front with me then being a lying fake. Ok. Rant over. Time to turn my blog to part 1 of why i think i developed depression/bipolar. Till then thanks for stopping by.

Let’s talk about Unsupportive Family…

Well how do you even begin to talk about family the does not support you or your illness? How do you face each day knowing in my case my mother could care less about any pain I’m in or about my life or for my children or my husband in any way shape or form. We have no relationship whatsoever. We don’t speak we don’t live near each other we don’t send emails to each other anymore we don’t call each other the relationship is over. It’s just me my family and my brother.

You know I haven’t talked about it yet but briefly I will go into the 2010 surgery. I went into surgery feeling pretty OK about everything. When you go under you really go under you don’t remember anything you don’t have any dreams I don’t recall nothing at all. And I think that’s a blessing because as it turns out I almost died on the table. A surgery that was supposed to take 4 hours maximum took 10 hours and a life saving surgery at that. I spent 12 days in ICU with touching go not knowing if I would live or not, but I don’t remember it. All I remember is severe pain in my hands. Not knowing until 3 months later it was nerve damage that made my fibromyalgia much much worse.

Anyway I mention this because it was a very serious surgery and I can honestly tell you that no one was there except some friends and especially people from my religious congregation. They stood by me they took care of me they spoke to the doctors on my behalf. But to say a family member was there I will have to say no. Does this hurt me? Hack yeah. It hurt real bad when I figured it all out later.

Anyway here we are 9 years later and I’m in some prettied badd shape. As you know if you follow my blog I have severe fibromyalgia. I have P TSD. I’m being re evaluated for bipolar and I have severe depression.

Ironically I have a pretty darn good attitude when it comes to being around family. My husband’s family, his aunt & cousins, etc. pretty compassionate and have a lot of empathy for me. They’re very understanding and don’t make me feel like I’m dead weight to my husband.

I think what hurts the most for me is there was a lot of trust at 1 time with certain family members from my family and from my husband’s family and just for the record my brother is amazing and lives far but eventually came and picked us up and we stayed at his house for 6 months to be cared for.

But if you ask me if anybody else came I can tell you no. I also did not receive any phone calls from anybody. It was probably one of the most loneliest and hurtful times of my life. I always try to put my best out even though I’m in a lot of pain I try not to show it but because we live far my husband will mention that I may be having a really bad day. For a while he just felt that certain family members finally understood that illness comes in different stages for different people. And I guess what is so hurtful to me is that when they don’t understand I am at the point where I could care less anymore, sure it hurts, but I get over it a lot faster than I used to. My family, meh. I have amazing cousins & & as I previously mentioned my brother is amazing. My husband, it goes without saying he is my rock after my God of course, but he truly is my champion.

Why oh why don’t people realize that they are hurting his feelings when they talk about me? When they slyly admit to the fact that I’m not doing enough to get better. The recommendations, the examples of others who have over came some Invisable Illnesses. He tries to explain we’ve tried it all & are doing the best we can with my nerve damage, fibromyalgia, flare ups, & spinal cord injury. (I can walk, but it was compromised in the surgery. )

Why do they get so mad that he doesn’t take their advise?? Why o why don’t the realize that I have done everything possible not to show my pain when visiting but in the comfort of my home i can feel like I can get comfortable.

I don’t get it. I guess I’m just hurt for my husband because his feelings are hurt because i am disliked & no one believes I’m that sick or have as much pain as I have. I just feel anger right now. I’m just so done with friends, family & anyone who questions my illness & anyone who hurts my husbands feelings.

I have now officially alienated myself in the future. My husband supports my decision & understands. He didn’t want to for the longest. But he does now & although he’s always been on my side about things I truly feel he has 100% understanding of what I’ve been going through for over 9 years.

I don’t even know if this blog makes sense today, I’m just si crushed for my husband.😭

We did have a nice day today, went to our religious service, enjoyed true & wonderful friendships, had some amazing home made Pozole (by my hubby). So I’m feeling better. I think talking about here on this forum, well, it really helps.

Thanks for stopping by & showing your support, your all amazing people.

Yvonne