Dr.s Visit

Well. I’m the doctors. It’s for a procedure called an Ablasion. Basically a severing of nerves in my neck. Now that I’m a bit more focused after a very bad week I can talk about why I even started this blog. To journal my life coupled with informing people what a chronic pain person with severe depression goes through. MANY DOCTORS APPOINTMENTS.Well, this procedure will be done in the back of my neck. It’s not the most comfortable of procedures but I have a great doctor. When I’m in the surgery room face down like a massage table he & the nurses are chatting & laughing & I join in sometimes. The lower back is a bit easier to handle & will be done in 2 weeks. The neck is more painful. But I have to say it does help my headaches, and my neck & shoulder pain.Life as a chronic pain patient is difficult. Your in pain, but I am the type that puts on a “mask” so to speak. I can’t stand to just waa waa waa, even though I have on this forum, but I hate it. I never want to be difficult. So I mask my feelings a lot.I want people to know that being this way is not a choice. It happens to the best of us. I want those who are trying to understand the life a a chronic pain person is so not easy. It is hard. It is exhausting. So please, don’t make us feel more guilty then we already do. It makes things worse.So today’s pain level is a solid 7 1/2. Yesterday was a solid 10, but thankfully we were at an assembly & stayed in a hotel so I got to soak in the hot tub.Some may think “how can you function at a level 10 pain???? I’ll tell you. Pain is a part of our life. If I didn’t have pain I would think I was dead! 😢. A little humor. That is my mask. A joke here or there.Anyway when you have so much fibromyalgia, nerve damage & degenerative disc pain it is just part of everyday life & before you know it, a pain level of 6 or 7 is extremely welcoming. πŸ˜–Some people think we are lazy. Some think because we are overweight we would not have the pain problems, just lose weight. Some just plain judge & think your faking. We are not. I am not.With respects to weight, why would any person who suffers from chronic pain want to be overweight, feel even more pain from excess weight? We/I wouldn’t. But the effects of not so much pain meds because I personally no longer take them because they don’t work anymore. But all the other prescription meds are all weight gainers. I have been monitoring my weight & calorie intake for over a month with my app on my phone & my Fitbit watch. It is not as high as one would think. Even if I do fat free protein shakes that are meal replacements, eating more veggies, smaller portions & the only one that was working is a diabetic diet I did a year ago. So I am going to go back on that this week.The point is, those of us that suffer from fibro, we can’t help medication side effects. And for the record, skinny people get fibro also.I hope this enlightens people a little to life with chronic pain.Thanks for visiting…

Taking it personally …

I haven’t been reading too much lately, my mood is bad…sad…frustrated. It is so irritating to feel the way people think of me. To be judged by people for being physically ill, mentally ill. For not doing things their way or for speaking my mind in a peaceable way. For being judged at first glance.

I wish I was more like my husband or 2 boys where it doesn’t matter, they move on. But when its family it’s harder you start to wonder “is there something wrong with me?” (Besides being mentally & physically ill?) Well my closest & nearest & dearest tell me it’s not me but sometimes it feels like so many are against me. So many are so hurtful. I’m so forgettable & I used to be easy to use. I used to be a bubbly bright & generally optimistic person. If it was for my faith in our grand creator, I think I would have been a very horrible person because i would not have a moral compass. But right now my emotional battle wounds are raw & some reopened some brand new.

I want people out there to realize that no one is better or above another human being. Regardless of money, no money, race, orientation or anything. You bleed red like i do. You have feelings like i do. But you can cause a person who is battling so much in life to lose their life because of your selfish desire to hurt or cause them more pain.

Enough becomes enough. When do you not take it personally when a person snubs you to your face? When do you not take it personally when a person so obviously treats you bad? When do you not take it personally when people are passive aggressive towards you? When they use you & throw you away? When I say!!!

I’m so sick of family & “friends” being insincere. I’m a human being. I’m not mean, I used to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Now I’m jaded. Now I can’t trust because of all the knives I’ve had to pull out of my back.

I know, I’m ranting, but it’s because I’m hurt, betrayed, devastated. If just one unsupportive hurtful judgemental person out there can read this & look differently or act differently or pull themselves out of a person’s life with honesty & integrity after reading the pain I have poured out here, it will be worth it to put my feelings out there. But if not, SHAME ON YOU!!! SHAME SHAME SHAME SHAME SHAME ON YOU. Treat people as you would like to be treated.

I respect a person more for being up front with me then being a lying fake. Ok. Rant over. Time to turn my blog to part 1 of why i think i developed depression/bipolar. Till then thanks for stopping by.

It’s Up & Down Today

Well, my feelings have been a mixed bag of nuts. I just haven’t been feeling good lately. Physically, mentally I feel just feel ick. Bipolar is annoying. I’m on a low for the last couple days.

When I have feelings like this, I feel a measure of guilt. My husband is so amazingly patient, but I feel bad when I have down days. I didn’t feel up to shopping so he went for us. These headaches are annoying too. (Nice side effects from meds) But I don’t want to be a debbie downer. It also didn’t help that this fibro flare up is sticking around. Where it’s been really centering in my right knee. I had an x-ray & nothing wrong, just all part of my fibromyalgia.

Some people don’t understand how Depression & Fibromyalgia or any other Invisible Illnesses can put your life in a dead stop. So anyone reading this who is reading to get understanding about it. Be kind, be patient.

My husband is such a sweetie & told me to do nothing today. So, nothing it is. Just me & my fur baby Belle.

And my fellow sufferers, even though I’m having a rough day, please listen to the advise my honey gave me, it’s ok. Be kind to yourself & be ok to have a rest & relax.

I hate days like this. Ok, solution…push myself harder. When I get out I do much better. I have to have my time scheduled I noticed.

I recently started crafting. I started making some cute name badges, so with jewels & some with buttons including a lanyard. I’ll show a picture soon. I don’t feel like getting my stuff out. But some are going to be gifts & some are going to be for sale. I’ll also be doing something with wine bottles. I would love to learn calligraphy.

Anyway, me & Belle are listening to my husband & relaxing. Watching junk TV shows. Being mindless. Blogging about my life has been very therapeutic & those who have reached out just to follow me & some comments have been an amazingly positive journey. Thank you all.

Tomorrow we will be hanging with some friends. I think I’ll do good.

Anyway thanks for being part of my journey.

Here’s a couple of pics of me on recent good days with Bellygirl 🐢❀ & my son Aaron 😎