PTSD/DEPRESSION continued…part 2 *Name changed

The following story about my life is about how I learned what true friendship really is the hard way. I learned that to have a deep meaningful friendship is not just giving & not just taking. It’s a little bit of both. Sometimes you can give more at times & vice versa.

But love in a friendship would make this a simple yet wonderful friendship. So, although the following had contributed to my PTSD & depression but for 1, it’s part of my journey & it is definitely sprinkled with wonderful times, but had a definite final ending.

Well I left off in about my teens last time. After the death of my grandmother & so forth, I met a girl in 8th grade, we will call her Susan*. She was everything opposite of me. I was thinking I was a gang member & dressed like one. I looked ridiculous when I reflect back because I was such a chicken. Lol. But my emotions were so raw from the confusion of my grandmother who I thought was my mother & losing 95% of my family, even my dad(step-grandfather) slowly drifted out of my life. My bestie Jackey had a boyfriend & even though our life took a little bit of different path, we were always close but didn’t hang out in school after the 8th grade. So I met Susan. As I was hanging & dressing in gang attire, she dressed in cute skirts & tops & sandals. She dressed normally cute & proper compared to my non intimidating gang look. What drew us together I will never really know. She says it’s because I was so funny & was always happy. She never knew how u buried my pain & for fear of losing this new friendship I kept quiet.

But we had an amazing & fun friendship & I was a class clown & she liked that about me. I love to joke & laugh. So we became “best friends”. We did alot together & have tons of memories spanning from age 14 to age about 51ish, so like a 38 year friendship.

Now, I really thought she was an awesome person & all the boys liked her. Her mom didn’t like me at first & thought I was a bad influence because I dressed “inappropriate” in comparison to Susan.

The following is a few funny memories & examples of how I was considered the bad example. Now this was in the beginning of our friendship.

Once we were ditching school & we went to a liquor store & I couldn’t believe it, she stole a tall can off beer! It was too funny because looking at us, you would think it was me! Another time we were at Thrifty’s (now called Rite Aid) & she loved Reese Chocolate, so she got one & told me get one, I got a chic o stick, but I was terrified, so we were strolling in the shampoo section while she was eating her Reese’s. I just couldn’t bring myself to eat it, to steal. I think that’s what drew me to her more is she seemed fearless & brought something out in me, to feel a little danger. But we got caught. Actually she got caught. An undercover cop was watching us shop & he looked like an average guy. But when she finished her Reese’s, she put the wrapper behind the shampoos, he got us then & there. So they called her mom, I didn’t get into any trouble, but they took her picture with the Reese’s wrapper, which was hilarious because she was in a stack of other people’s photos that had major items attempted to be stolen. We were laughing till her mom came. Then her mom blamed me. But I eventually won her over & became like one of her daughters.

In between the years Susan & I had a made many funny zany memories. We hit the Rock a Billy faze when Madonna came out we went into some serious dancing at the clubs entering dance contests. All this was peppered with run ins with my friend Jackey, but Jackey was a “good girl” for the most part. Susan & I drank, hitchhiked, & got into anyone’s car to get a ride home. Also it took probably 15 years or so before Jackey & Susan became friends, even though we met in the 8th grade. So I was the nucleus of most of our friends calling everyone putting together arrangements to party, meet at clubs etc. I was still the goofy friend that made people laugh. I was Evey to my little circle.

So what happened? Why are Susan & I no longer friends? Well, bottom line, admitted by Susan, I always did for her never wanting anything in return. I lived with & her family a couple times through the teen years but I had always suppressed my depression. So, I guess I’ll go with how it started.

We worked together in our 1st insurance job in 1985ish, she got me in as a receptionist in 1986. Then in 1998, I got a job at another company where she was working, they gave me a desk that was 3 months behind & I could not get it caught up. I often complained, with the office managers promise to help me catch it up. In the midst of it all, I helped get my husbands sister in. Then I got fired.

That is when I had my 1st nervous breakdown. I was 34 years old, devastated & defeated because of so much pent up pain & I thought Susan would be there for me but she was irritated by my severe depression & ignored me. I was further devastated. So I made the move to Northern California to start new. My sister in law & Susan didn’t like it & judged me that I was leaving the kids behind. They were teens by then living with their father & I discussed it with them, they were fine.

So my sister in law just stopped talking to me. That story for another day. Susan & I talked here & there, but I could tell it was not the same. So we kinda just stopped calling, well I stopped calling. Meanwhile Jackey was always telling her how wrong she was for being that way with me. Then the world collapsed in 1 day. The world trade center, 9/11.

That caused me to reflect & write a deep emotional letter to Susan. She told Jackey she was happy, and wrote me back. So, Jackey arranged for us to call, I called Susan, we chatted, laughed & started a renewal of our friendship. Even visiting us in Northern California. But there was 1 issue between us, my sister in law. She would not tell me why she wouldn’t speak to me. Jackey & I kept telling her that her loyalty should be to our 20+ year friendship. But she seemed to have this loyalty to my sister in law.

So, a day came when she called me to tell me my sister in law was getting married. “Yay”. The thing is, she asked Susan to be her maid of honor. She asked me what I thought. Well, for the first time in our friendship, I found my voice. I was honest & did not hid my feelings. I knew I was a good loyal friend, so I needed to know I mattered to her. I had so few people in my life that I could trust & depend on.

I said, please don’t do it. You know my husbands feelings are bad toward me, if you do it, it will hurt me very much for you to stand beside a person that hates me for reasons unknown to me, and show this family that her loyalty is with my sister in law & my feelings do not matter. She said she had to think about it.😮🤔

Well after talking to me & Jackey & a discussion with my sister in law, she decided to do it. I said Susan, if you do this, I can no longer be a part of your life. Have asked you for anything in our long friendship? She said no, you are the giver & makes it easy for me. She also told me that she couldn’t handle depressed “Evey” she liked “fun Evey” & that is why she avoided me. I asked her that being said, please don’t do this. She replied, well she has no one else, I said there could be a reason for that. I said are you gonna do it, she said yes. I said ok, have a good life. We hung up. She did it of course.

I’ll get back to you with what happens next. Thank for stopping by & being part of my journey.

Advertisements

Not a good day

Well I have a draft I started to make part 2 of my story and journey. But I’ve been pretty sick and this past Sunday I got really really sick with a lot of pain and a lot of depression. For some reason I’m feeling a lot of confusion in my life. I don’t know which way to go up down left right. All I know is I feel sick to my stomach and I feel sick in my body. I feel very alone Even though I’m surrounded by so many lovely people. I just feel like I’m holding so much in and I can’t take it. I just had to vent on here because I feel like I’m gonna Scream. I Hate these invisible illnesses the take to my body like a whipping post to and my mind to places I don’t want to go. Do you ever feel like you want to just disappear? I do. I just don’t know what to do where to go who to talk to. The burden I feel like give to my loved ones is more than I can bear any longer. I think I just gotta get up. Thanks for listening at stopping by.

Update

Well it’s been awhile, let’s say it’s been a bit crazy in life. But I left off about my MRI.I know I’m still behind sharing my journey but I’m still trying to heal from life, surgery & pain. I’m trying not to be a victim but victorious, a survivor!Anyway, my MRI, came back with a disc that is pinching the nerves in the spinal cord. The MRI looks like a dent in my spinal cord, hence, pain! Then, don’t know if I mentioned it, but in 2010 from the terrible surgery I had, during that surgery I got a pinched nerve in the c-4, c-5 area of my neck. It was due to intubation or positioning from being on the operating table for 10 hours. I was unaware of this, I had so much pain I was in the ER 5-6 times a week. So, I had a “fusion”. They removed a disc from my spinal cord & replaced it with a metal plate. But it wasn’t discovered for 3 months after going to various doctors. I went to several rounds of physical therapy in a year & a half time but the pain just plateaued. I wasn’t in as much pain but still in serious discomfort. After the surgery, the nuero-surgeon said whatever pain I had in a year is the best I would be. It’s been 10 years & although the pain does not require multi weekly ER visits, I still suffer a lot. Anyway, the MRI also reflected that metal plate has jarred out of place, thus pinching my poor mangled nerve again. 😭So, we are going to try epidurals on my back & neck & physical therapy again. If it doesn’t work, then I’ll have to have another fusion. I don’t know what we may do on my back but possible 10s unit is a consideration if epidurals & physical therapy does not work.So that’s where we stand. I’m feeling the writing bug again. But with depression, if your not on the mood to do anything, forget it. Today I just needed to write though.I’m on a trip right now visiting family. Its beautiful where we have been but pain sometimes dampens things. But I have a smile & faith, our wonderful God, my best friend – my husband to make life beautiful.More later. Thanks for tuning in.

What is wrong with my noodle!!!

The highs the lows, you try to have a positive attitude yet I wanna cry! My heart can’t seem to heal.

I think I’m not writing in my blog as much, purging & sharing the facts that cause this with others. It brings relief & comfort of not being alone in this world with this darn depression & pain! My God, please help bring my heart to peace.

Psalms 147:3 – He heals the brokenhearted; He binds up their wounds…

Have a good day my friends…

Happy Wednesday?

Well, I’d like to quote my brother who says: “You are the master of your own destiny”. I believe that. However my faith in God is how I try to direct my steps. So, this lovely crisp Wednesday morning I’m choosing to be happy & try my hardest not to let the blues get me down. I’m going to focus on creation & spend about an 1 or so with a good friend of mine. Then of course another doctors appointment. Sigh… But tomorrow I am so anxious to see how my MRI comes out. I’ll keep y’all posted. Meanwhile, I think I’m gonna put my fit bit watch on & dance for a minute. Have a wonderful Wednesday everyone.❤