ou know, as far back as I can recall, I have had some type of sadness in me. I can remember being in elementary school & telling my friends at lunch I wanted to just sit on the bench as they played. Music has always touched me, so I recall singing songs in my head. When i think back on that time I never understood why I felt like that. But alot of my childhood before I was 14 is very blurred & I have a friend, my childhood bestie, we ate more like sisters of the heart, Jackey, I always go to her about memories. I know some things happened to me, but I can’t talk about that.
Anyway, from what I do recall I had a great childhood from birth to age 14. That is when the 1st biggest betrayal came. On my 14th birthday, the woman I knew as my mother passed away. That day I found out that my mother Isabel was in fact my Grandmother. My father Pete was my Step-Grandfather & my sister was my biological mother.
It was a lot to take in for me. I was a daddy’s girl, but I did love my momma. I feel to this day I never processed those feelings, what or how I should of felt or reacted hearing my biological mother was my sister.🤔
What happened after was crazy. There was the reading of the will, which my grandmother/momma left 90% to me. But not in any formal trust, just in care of my grandfather/daddy to give me at the time & age he saw fit. Long story short, he ripped me off in the end.
Anyway, days after it happened all my sisters & brothers as I knew them to be at the time, came to the house to take whatever my grandfather & the eldest sister put out for their choosing. Clothes, jewelry etc. My biological mother never came. She did not attend the funeral either. It was weird because her children, who I thought I was their aunt, were my brothers. So strange to me. But for some reason I pushed it aside in my mind & did what I was told. STAY AWAY FROM ALL YOUR BROTHERS & SISTERS!!!
I was told they wanted to kidnap me & to avoid any future contact. I was scared. The mother I knew just died & my whole family, my 2 “brothers” & 9 “sisters” with the exception of 1, the eldest, I was to run away if I saw them. I never knew what they were told but no one ever came, except my biological mother.
She used to take my step father to work & purposely drive by when I was leaving for school & thought it was hilarious how frightened I got when I ran in the house. She did the for I can’t recall how long.
Well, I was in the 8th grade, I was trying to move on in life, I even joined a gang. I became unruly because my “daddy” was constantly dating & leaving me in the house alone. Then he met someone when I was 16 & moved in with her & checked in on me 3x a week or so. I didn’t know until I reflect back that I was being abandoned at that point. I had food, clothes & money, but no family except the eldest sisters & my cousins who I have awesome memories with. But I was hurt when he told this woman I was not his biological daughter & he didn’t have to take care of me.
Unfortunately my daddy that I adored chose woman over me. So eventually I ran away & basically lived like a gypsy between friends homes & sleeping in a car sometimes.
Now, I tell this open dialog of my personal life to show people that PTSD & Depression can start young. But be suppressed for some of us. That’s what happened to me. I lived my life as a somewhat wild & rebellious young girl. One who loved to dance, and went to underage clubs as much as I could. I never really had a chance to consider my situation because of my consuming self absorbed self to do as I pleased because I had no one to direct me. So that is part 1 of my life where I believe & talking with my previous psychiatrist felt it began as well.
So as always I ask, try to be understanding. And most importantly, #bekind
Thanks for stopping by. Part 2 coming soon.