I haven’t been reading too much lately, my mood is bad…sad…frustrated. It is so irritating to feel the way people think of me. To be judged by people for being physically ill, mentally ill. For not doing things their way or for speaking my mind in a peaceable way. For being judged at first glance.
I wish I was more like my husband or 2 boys where it doesn’t matter, they move on. But when its family it’s harder you start to wonder “is there something wrong with me?” (Besides being mentally & physically ill?) Well my closest & nearest & dearest tell me it’s not me but sometimes it feels like so many are against me. So many are so hurtful. I’m so forgettable & I used to be easy to use. I used to be a bubbly bright & generally optimistic person. If it was for my faith in our grand creator, I think I would have been a very horrible person because i would not have a moral compass. But right now my emotional battle wounds are raw & some reopened some brand new.
I want people out there to realize that no one is better or above another human being. Regardless of money, no money, race, orientation or anything. You bleed red like i do. You have feelings like i do. But you can cause a person who is battling so much in life to lose their life because of your selfish desire to hurt or cause them more pain.
Enough becomes enough. When do you not take it personally when a person snubs you to your face? When do you not take it personally when a person so obviously treats you bad? When do you not take it personally when people are passive aggressive towards you? When they use you & throw you away? When I say!!!
I’m so sick of family & “friends” being insincere. I’m a human being. I’m not mean, I used to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Now I’m jaded. Now I can’t trust because of all the knives I’ve had to pull out of my back.
I know, I’m ranting, but it’s because I’m hurt, betrayed, devastated. If just one unsupportive hurtful judgemental person out there can read this & look differently or act differently or pull themselves out of a person’s life with honesty & integrity after reading the pain I have poured out here, it will be worth it to put my feelings out there. But if not, SHAME ON YOU!!! SHAME SHAME SHAME SHAME SHAME ON YOU. Treat people as you would like to be treated.
I respect a person more for being up front with me then being a lying fake. Ok. Rant over. Time to turn my blog to part 1 of why i think i developed depression/bipolar. Till then thanks for stopping by.
Well how do you even begin to talk about family the does not support you or your illness? How do you face each day knowing in my case my mother could care less about any pain I’m in or about my life or for my children or my husband in any way shape or form. We have no relationship whatsoever. We don’t speak we don’t live near each other we don’t send emails to each other anymore we don’t call each other the relationship is over. It’s just me my family and my brother.
You know I haven’t talked about it yet but briefly I will go into the 2010 surgery. I went into surgery feeling pretty OK about everything. When you go under you really go under you don’t remember anything you don’t have any dreams I don’t recall nothing at all. And I think that’s a blessing because as it turns out I almost died on the table. A surgery that was supposed to take 4 hours maximum took 10 hours and a life saving surgery at that. I spent 12 days in ICU with touching go not knowing if I would live or not, but I don’t remember it. All I remember is severe pain in my hands. Not knowing until 3 months later it was nerve damage that made my fibromyalgia much much worse.
Anyway I mention this because it was a very serious surgery and I can honestly tell you that no one was there except some friends and especially people from my religious congregation. They stood by me they took care of me they spoke to the doctors on my behalf. But to say a family member was there I will have to say no. Does this hurt me? Hack yeah. It hurt real bad when I figured it all out later.
Anyway here we are 9 years later and I’m in some prettied badd shape. As you know if you follow my blog I have severe fibromyalgia. I have P TSD. I’m being re evaluated for bipolar and I have severe depression.
Ironically I have a pretty darn good attitude when it comes to being around family. My husband’s family, his aunt & cousins, etc. pretty compassionate and have a lot of empathy for me. They’re very understanding and don’t make me feel like I’m dead weight to my husband.
I think what hurts the most for me is there was a lot of trust at 1 time with certain family members from my family and from my husband’s family and just for the record my brother is amazing and lives far but eventually came and picked us up and we stayed at his house for 6 months to be cared for.
But if you ask me if anybody else came I can tell you no. I also did not receive any phone calls from anybody. It was probably one of the most loneliest and hurtful times of my life. I always try to put my best out even though I’m in a lot of pain I try not to show it but because we live far my husband will mention that I may be having a really bad day. For a while he just felt that certain family members finally understood that illness comes in different stages for different people. And I guess what is so hurtful to me is that when they don’t understand I am at the point where I could care less anymore, sure it hurts, but I get over it a lot faster than I used to. My family, meh. I have amazing cousins & & as I previously mentioned my brother is amazing. My husband, it goes without saying he is my rock after my God of course, but he truly is my champion.
Why oh why don’t people realize that they are hurting his feelings when they talk about me? When they slyly admit to the fact that I’m not doing enough to get better. The recommendations, the examples of others who have over came some Invisable Illnesses. He tries to explain we’ve tried it all & are doing the best we can with my nerve damage, fibromyalgia, flare ups, & spinal cord injury. (I can walk, but it was compromised in the surgery. )
Why do they get so mad that he doesn’t take their advise?? Why o why don’t the realize that I have done everything possible not to show my pain when visiting but in the comfort of my home i can feel like I can get comfortable.
I don’t get it. I guess I’m just hurt for my husband because his feelings are hurt because i am disliked & no one believes I’m that sick or have as much pain as I have. I just feel anger right now. I’m just so done with friends, family & anyone who questions my illness & anyone who hurts my husbands feelings.
I have now officially alienated myself in the future. My husband supports my decision & understands. He didn’t want to for the longest. But he does now & although he’s always been on my side about things I truly feel he has 100% understanding of what I’ve been going through for over 9 years.
I don’t even know if this blog makes sense today, I’m just si crushed for my husband.😭
We did have a nice day today, went to our religious service, enjoyed true & wonderful friendships, had some amazing home made Pozole (by my hubby). So I’m feeling better. I think talking about here on this forum, well, it really helps.
Thanks for stopping by & showing your support, your all amazing people.
I’ve been wanting to write about an appointment I had a couple of years ago & see if anyone has experienced the same thing. If not, here is, a true story
I had a wonderful psychiatrist from 2008 to 2015. This doctor helped me thru a surgery I almost died in 2010. He kept up with me when we had to have a short stay at my brother’s house after my surgery to try to recuperate. When I thought I had to 5150 & told him I think he should put me in the hospital, he believed in me & for the most part I truly felt the most stable when I was under his care.
Well, the day before my appointment I called to confirm the time, he usually ran late so I just wanted to see what kind of window I had for the next day. (it didn’t usually matter when he ran late, he never rushed his patients and all his patients loved him & felt it was worth the wait.) Anyway, as I said I called to confirm & the receptionist told me that my doctor was no longer working there & I was going to see someone that would be there temporary untill they get someone permanent. Well just in case your wondering why my Doctor was terminated, was one reason, he was to commpationate. He was always running behind schedule & because some could not afford meds, whenever he had samples of something he prescribed, he would give them out. So, after being there 20+ years, a social worker who greatly disliked him started taking notes everyday on how long he spent with his patients. 15 minutes is the standard, he gave an hour, with 0 complaints from his patients. He was fired. I get into more of that later.
Anyway, I went into full nervous breakdown mode😭 not knowing what I was walking into, my poor husband tried consoling me telling me it will be ok, maybe whoever I would be seeing would be ok & i could get used to him/her. Bless my husbands heart trying to be optimistic, & believe me I appreciated & it💑! But…the next day came…
Nightmare ensued. I had my husband come in with me, & I had my medications I was told to bring in. Mind you I had been pretty stable working with my doctor & my meds. Well, my husband & I walked in, I just couldn’t go alone & I was still crying from the day before, I was greeted with a very unfriendly & quite hostile doctor. He first chastised me on my meds from my doctor as well as my pain doctor. I cried through the entire session and the doctor just seemed so very annoyed and told me dead he was basically confiscating my medications and that he would prescribe me something different.😖 I told him I had tried what he was tried to prescribe me and it ever not work. But he told me that between my pain meds and my anxiety medication that I’m addicted to pain meds & anxiety medication. He did not take away my pain meds, but my anxiety & the depression meds I was on. He gave me the new prescriptions & even my husband tried to explain that he does not know me, if he read my chart, he would see that these new meds💊 would not work, they have tried & failed. 😥
I saw my primary care physician thereafter & thank Our Grand Creator & Instructor that I’ve got the most wonderful primary care physician & she promptly put me back on my original medications as well as my anxiety meds. She was so surprised at how it all went down.
I thereafter spoke with my former pain management doctor who was upset that someone would suggest I was addicted under his care. I hardly took my pain meds because frankly they hardly worked & every month I would show him how many I took. So on top of that this office made sure you took random urine tests to see if you are abusing your meds. So I was not in any such danger.
Now, this was 2 years ago. It’s been a long road, I’ve seen so many in between as I said before, but never seen that 1 doctor again. But 6 months ago I went in to see a new Nurse Practitioner, sigh… I explained how the constant change in this office is killing me since my original doctor left. I got another psychiatrist after, but she took a temporary leave to work at another department where she was needed. We spoke & she told me go back to the office, I’ll get you an appointment & when I return I’ll resume seeing you again. Well, this Nurse Practitioner was ok. But when I explained my bad experience so he would be up to speed on my past. He curtly told me that he would not speak ill of the dead…huh???? I told him what do you mean, he said that that particular psychiatrist had passed away. Now don’t get me wrong, I explained, I’d wish that on no one nor would I be happy about it. But I am telling you my truth. My experience. I’m not trying to speak I’ll of the dead. I’m just telling you he was not compassionate towards ME. Well I already could see by his mannerisms this was not a good fit.🤐 I left & never been back until a couple of days ago when I found out my 2nd wonderful psychiatrist was back.
I am sad for the other doctor & hope he was more compassionate with others but I didn’t know him personally & may he rest in peace.
I’m sharing this not to bash him, but hoping other doctors who may read my blog will learn “bedside/sit side” manner. That someone having a nervous breakdown before your eyes you may not want to yell at them & tell them they are a drug addict in the first 15 minutes of meeting you🙄. We, the ones with the Invisible Mental Illnesses are sometimes fragile, sometimes our strength comes out & we are strong. We have good days & bad days. Be kind, be patient, because we don’t want or choose to live this way.
Thanks for taking time to read this super long story.🤓
Well, I just finished an assessment to go see a psychiatrist I used to see 2 years ago. She left but now she’s back and I really like her. But in order to see her I had to go through a full assessment to make sure that I qualify for the services.
Well, I have to say it was quite difficult. Reliving everything that has brought me to where I am today, the depression, PTSD, fibromyalgia, nerve damage and anxiety.
Bringing up all those things has caused me to feel very low today and a lot of anxiety. But I know I have to learn to get past a lot of things that have happened to me in my life.
But I had no concerns as to whether or not I’d be able to see my former doctor as she had already allowed me to get an appointment for next week I just had to go through the formality today. Since I last saw her a lot has happened in my life and apparently my PTSD has definitely gotten worse. It has triggered some serious depression. Something I already knew but to hear them say it I don’t know it seems kind of strange and hurtful. Get it’s a relief because I know I’m not faking. I have an invisible illness. Actually I have several invisible illnesses. I wanna get deeper on my blog here so I think the next time I may wanna talk about betrayal.
Anyway the spiritual side of me is coming out and I’m your name to grab my Bible and really delve into the message our Grand Creator gives us. Looking into the beautiful Psalms, or reading accounts of bravery like Jonah. Although he ran in fear & ended up in the belly of a fish, he eventually was out of the fish & completed the direction God gave him.
I feel like I am in the belly of the fish metaphorically of course. I feel like I have run away from so many problems in life. Although I didn’t have direction from God like Jonah did to send an urgent message to people in a town that was going to be destroyed, I know when I read my bible I do in fact have a mission & if I can pull myself out of this metaphoric fish, i can find bravery. I can find my true self. I can follow the direction that is meant for me…
Thanks for stopping by.💜🙏💝